I’m sitting here right now, letting my daughter brush my hair, my 18 month old son is eating chapstick, cap is on freak out Farrah’s, and my 8 year old is bottle flipping a water bottle on top of my bedroom door.
I’m looking around at the dirty clothes on the floor, my sheets on my unmade bed, and the pictures on the ground that still need to be hung up from when we moved in 3 months ago. It’s exhausting. Just looking at all the crap that needs to be done, is draining.
As soon as I get off this bed and walk towards the kitchen, I’ll see all the shoes lying around not put away..even though the bench is 4 inches away from the shoe piles. I’ll see all the toys, even though the playroom is upstairs and I’ll see all the dishes in the sink and on the counter that need to be washed but I’ve avoided eye contact in that direction for the last 5 hours.
I don’t have any where to go in my own house that doesn’t have “something to do” in it. No matter what room I go in I just feel exhausted.
Have you ever just left for the whole day and went shopping, went out to eat, knowing that there were 10 million things waiting for you at home? Have you ever not paid bills, avoided laundry for 3 days, or ordered pizza 2 days in a row just so you could feel like you “relaxed” a bit?
I have. It sucks. You know why? Because those same things I avoided so I could get a “break” are still there waiting for me. The laundry is even bigger, the bills have piled up more, the sink of dishes has spread to the counter, and the broccoli I avoided cooking is now going bad. So that break that I THINK i had, just created more work and more stress for me.
Sometimes I scroll through Facebook and see people taking trips to Vegas, or going out dancing, or even, wait for it…. checking into places, ALONE, for me time. Man, jealously spreads through me like a wild fire. Sometimes I just want to wake up, WHENEVER I want, walk around my house naked, while I cook what I want for breakfast, and sit on the couch with a good book or the remote to watch lifetime all day. I want to sit in my big chair, with a big blanket and fall asleep whenever I want. I want to drink wine through out the day. I want to get my shoes on, grab my keys and walk out the door without having to tell three kids to get their shoes on and get dressed. I want to drive to Starbucks and order a coffee without having to add 3 cake pops and 3 chocolate milks with whip cream and chocolate syrup drizzled over top.
Sometimes I want to listen to my gangster rap, super loud, and sing super loud without fearing that my 4 year old is going to repeat the nasty words from the song I’m singing. Which she has done before.
Sometimes I just want to finish my sentence and my train of thought without being interrupted 16 times because my son needs a fruit snack at this exact moment or he may just not survive life any longer.
Sometimes I want to eat the food I prepared for myself, BY MYSELF. Sometimes I just don’t want to share. I want to be selfish and eat hot food, I want to be a mean mom and not give my kids half my skittles bag.
Sometimes I want to say something ONE TIME and it actually be heard and understood.
Sometimes I hate being a mom. Sometimes.
Sometimes I forget how awesome it is to have someone in your life who loves you more than you love yourself. To have one, two, three, or seven kids who think you are absolutely perfect and do no wrong.
Sometimes I forget that the best feeling in the world is hearing the word, “Mama,” when they are hurt, sad, or just need you with them. Seeing their faces light up when you walk through the door from getting the mail, and they think you’ve been gone for hours.
Sometimes I forget how nice it is to never be alone. To always have someone to talk to, to always have something to do, to never feel bored.
I may want to take breaks, I may want to sit in a bathroom alone with my skittles, I may even want to go to the store alone sometimes. I may scream, I may feel overwhelmed, I may skip laundry, I may leave the dishes for tomorrow.. I may regret that “me” time I took 5 days ago, but you know what I’ll never regret? I’ll never regret being a mom.
Sometimes I may hate it, but I’ll never wish my life be anything else. I’ll never take for granted the precious gifts I was given. I’ll never get tired of hearing.. “mama,” & at some point I’ll miss it.
At some point I’ll get to do all the things I mentioned above. But, let’s not rush it. The days may be long, but remember, the years are short.