It’s been a while since I’ve written, I’ve been working on myself very closely. Since February, I’ve lost 21 pounds and have been working on my mental health and happiness. Part of working on myself is figuring out the negative energies in my life and eliminating them.
At first, I felt guilty. I felt like I HAD to keep certain people in my life simply because they had the same blood as me. I felt like I would be judged, like there would be side takers and hurt feelings. What I didn’t realize was I was ultimately hurting myself. I didn’t realize that by accepting the behaviors of certain people, I was depriving myself of the fresh air I deserved.
Im here to tell you, YOU are the most important in your life. YOU need to always put your feelings before anyone else’s. At the end of the day, when you sit with your glass of wine, on the couch, or in bed, you’re the only one who’s in your head. You’re the only one looking around the room, the only one who feels your energy. If you’re neglecting your mind and heart, you’re only hurting YOU.
There have been times in my life that I was completely alone. I was assaulted, I was mentally and verbally abused, and you know what I also was? Naive. I was constantly looking for approval. I was always trying to make people see that my intentions and heart were pure.
You know what I learned? Not to give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. To stop looking for that approval that I craved when I was younger. To stop doing things for people who didn’t deserve my time.
There were times when I didn’t speak to a single family member, where I was so guarded, so distrusting, that I thought everyone was the enemy.
I would let family members speak to me like I was nothing. I would let them put their hands on me with no repercussions. But I would never let a total stranger disrespect me. Do you know how screwed up that sounds?
One day, I said enough. I’ve had ENOUGH. I was not going to let ANYONE treat me like I was below them. I was going to use my strength, my voice and my actions to show that I mattered.
I don’t care if you’re my parents, a sibling, a cousin or an aunt.. just because you are blood related does not mean you have the power to stay in my life. It does not mean your behavior is excusable and it certainly doesn’t mean you can exempt from consequences.
TOXIC IS TOXIC.
I will never speak to my brother again.
There are certain family members that I have no interest in claiming as family.
I am not cold hearted. I am not just “hurt.” I am not “so broken” that I’m just saying things out of anger.
I am finally putting myself first. My life, my kids, my surroundings… they will always come before your hurt feelings.
TOXIC IS TOXIC.
Do not ever feel guilty for removing what isn’t in your best interest. Don’t ever be scared to be judged. Let them talk, let them judge, let them hate.
I don’t have room in my heart or mind for hate. I’m only trying to improve myself and I can’t do that with the toxic people that once were in it.
So the next time you’re crying, you feel defeated, look and ask yourself why. Why are you letting someone control your emotions. Who is standing in the way of your fresh air? Remove them. Whoever it is.. remove them.
Toxic is toxic.