Tonight is my night to cry

I started this blog because I wanted to share real experiences with my readers. I wanted to show the good, the bad, and the ugly about being a mom, a wife and about life itself. I wanted y’all to feel like you’re not alone. Like you’re relatable. So many people keep quite because they think their situation is going to get them judged or frowned upon. Like you saying your kids are assholes – and it being your ticket to hell.

Today, I have an ugly. I have a raw truth about how we feel. I say “we” because I know I’m not alone in this.. I may be the one to say it right now, but I know I’m not the only one who feels it.

After I laid on my sons bedroom floor for 40 minutes, just waiting for his little tired piercing eyes to stop staring at me, I went downstairs. I went downstairs and saw the mess. I saw the food on the floor. I saw the Christmas boxes scattered everywhere. I saw my coffee table slid across the living room. I saw a headache.

I was drained. I was mentally and emotionally drained today. I sat on the couch and I just sobbed. I pet my dogs head who jumped up on me and just balled my eyes out.

Why? Because today, I felt like a a failure. For the last few months, I have felt like a failure. I have kept it all bottled up for so long that I just exploded when I finally sat down. I have been failing at being a Mom, a wife, a woman and a human being. Every time I look around I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do, want to do, or need to do. It just sucks all the energy I had for that split second right out of me. How could I be this sad? How can I cry this many tears knowing I have three healthy children, a beautiful house/roof over my head, and a husband that loves me.

Because LIFE.

Just because we have nice things and beautiful blessings, doesn’t mean we aren’t ever allowed to be stressed, sad or angry.

My kids have been demons. Straight up, demons. Their respect is gone. It’s been thrown into the river and is sailing to some long lost country right now. Their attitudes are disgusting. Sometimes, I honestly don’t even want to talk to them. Yup, I said it. I said an ugly truth. They whine over everything. Every. Little. Thing. Like GIVE IT A REST ALREADY. Don’t your eyes hurt from whining over your little brother flicking your toe? Doesn’t your throat hurt from yelling in your sisters face because she took too much of your oxygen? I mean seriously, do you enjoy getting grounded?

Because I don’t enjoy grounding you. I don’t enjoy yelling, I don’t enjoy being the bad guy that won’t let you play fortnite.

I want to so badly be one of those moms on T.V, those ones in the movies that make their kids a 5 star meal before school. That have a fresh fruit Buffett on the island with their eggs and smoothies ready to go.

But let’s face it. That shit’s fake. No one actually does that. I’m lucky if I can get my 8 year old to put his cereal bowl in the sink before we walk out the door for school.

I so badly want to be that mom that cuddles and kisses every single little booboo, the mom that never yells, that never forgets anything. That mom that uses a sweet tone at all times when talking to the kids, that calls them sweetie and love bug. That mom that does all the right things, like getting all the nutrients they need in every meal, remembering to floss each night or making the kids bed each morning with their pillows perfectly in place. But I’m not. I’m not that Mom.

So I’m crying for that. I’m crying because at the end of the night, I play back how I handled situations and I feel terrible. Why did I yell when the milk spilled for the third time? Did I really care that much? Why did I not let Landon help me unload the dish washer when he wanted to? Do I secretly like unloading the dishes by myself? Was I that annoyed that I couldn’t just let him help?

Once I sit down and think, I realize how bad I sucked that day. So yeah, it makes me sad. I’m human. I make mistakes. I go through rough patches. I’m allowed to feel a certain way.

You want to know what else I feel? I feel like if I didn’t cry, if I didn’t second guess myself, if I didn’t feel guilt… Then I wouldn’t be a decent human being. I feel those things because I have a good heart. I wouldn’t want to do better tomorrow if I didn’t care about my choices today.

I just really dislike these times in life where you just feel…. defeated. You feel like nothing you’re doing, teaching, or trying to accomplish is working. So I’m crying.

I feel like I haven’t had an adult interaction in 5 years. You know when you’re a stay at home mom, your only conversations are with children? That you talk about baby dolls, fortnite and how smelly feet are and why frogs are ugly. I know people say that being a stay at home mom is easy, but hunny, let me tell you something. I would hold a brick in both hands for 10 hours just to talk to other adults at a job.

I’m not saying I don’t love being home. That I don’t love being a mom, a wife and everyone’s backbone. I do. I love feeling that I’m needed. It’s just suffocating sometimes. Feeling like your 15 minute break just never came. Like your boss just forgot to give it to you that day. I don’t even pee alone. I don’t shower alone. I don’t sleep alone. So sometimes, I’m just exhausted of not having anything to look forward to.

So last night, I made a decision. I decided I’m going to take that break. I’m going to have that much needed time to myself, or with just my husband and I. No kids. No housework. No bills. Nothing but quality time. I need opportunities to reset myself. To fill up my gas tank and get a tune up. Your body is like everything else in life. It needs repairs, it needs essential things to help keep it going, it needs love. As Moms, or stay at home parents, we forget to tend to our needs since we’re always focusing our energy on everyone else.

I’m not wrong for wanting to put myself on the same pedestal as those around me.

So tonight, I cry.

But then…

I’ll collect myself, I’ll love myself and I’ll take that break.

I carry so much love in my heart for everyone else, it’s time to give some of that love back to myself, so I can be the best mom, wife, and woman I can be. πŸ’•

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